Your eyes catch the handsome stranger on the other side of the bar and you find yourself captivated, he’s your guy. “Go talk to him,” you nudge your friend.
As his head spins with images of how he might approach him, his body tenses as he begins to worry about how he might be perceived and fears of rejection and embarrassment immobilize him.
Frozen in place, you try to muster the courage to put one foot in front of the other, but before you can contemplate your opening line, he exits the bar with a group of his friends. Opportunity lost.
Is this scenario too familiar?
I once conducted a survey on my website asking single gay men whether they tended to initiate contact with a man they found interesting or whether they expected to be pursued.
The overwhelming majority of respondents indicated that they were passive daters, meaning that they waited for men to approach them to initiate conversations.
The sad reality of this is that if most men expect to be approached, very few contacts are made.
How many good relationships could have taken off if someone had taken the first step?
Refuse to allow yourself to be one of those liability statistics.
To be successful in dating, one must be a proactive dater by being in the driver’s seat and making things happen on one’s own initiative.
This can be a scary adventure.
No one likes the idea of being rejected or being in a position to be judged and scrutinized if that object of your interest is surrounded by his or her gang of friends.
Being a proactive dater comes with an element of risk.
However, your chances of making a connection are greater if you take the initiative, as most others will not communicate first.
And this scenario just leads to a bar full of men leaning against the wall, sipping their drinks and trying to look busy, while desperately waiting for someone to talk to them.
Here are some tips to boost your confidence to initiate contact with more men who catch your eye.
“Every attempt you make will make you
a little stronger about any anxiety.
Inhale deeply from the bowel to the nose, hold it for about seven seconds and then deeply release the air through the mouth.
Repeat this exercise until you feel more grounded and less controlled by your nerves.
Approaching someone when you are on the verge of a panic attack will likely interfere with your delivery and your anxiety will show.
2. Think of a good opening line.
But no cheese, please! Witty phrases are outdated and you are here to make a good first impression.
Referring to something within the environment can be a natural transition to a conversation that would make sense. Saying or doing something creative can be helpful.
And nothing beats the simple, “Hi, my name is Tom, can I buy you a drink?” to get the ball rolling.
Validate the other person.
A best-kept secret to making a good impression with someone you’ve just met is to validate that other person.
Find something about it that warrants positive feedback.
However, it has to be authentic and genuine, so it doesn’t look fake and like you have a hidden agenda.
By making someone feel good about themselves, studies have shown that their perceptions of you increase.
My favorite book on this topic is “First Impressions: what you don’t know about how others see you” by Ann Demarais and Valerie White.
When you imagine approaching someone and feel unable to move forward, most of the time your internal dialogue has interfered and generates anxiety and low confidence.
Write down on a piece of paper all the thoughts you have that undermine your ability to get close to someone.
Work hard to develop credible counterpresentations to these negative thoughts and practice frequently so that they become internalized.
To claim the prize of a compatible boyfriend, a gay person must work on developing their assertiveness skills to pursue what they want.
Passivity in dating often produces minimal results.
We need to take responsibility for our own results and avoid the trap of the victim mentality. By living with more initiative, your confidence will gradually grow.
While you won’t succeed with every effort, every attempt you make will make you a little stronger in the face of any anxiety and insecurity and increase the likelihood of making a connection with a handsome stranger, much more than I had you standing. the sidelines.
Be the one to choose and go out and make it happen for yourself!
What is your secret to approaching men?