On paper, Frank has it made. He’s in his 60s, in pretty good shape, handsome, semi-retired from a very successful business that runs itself, has a convertible sports car and a sailboat. He has the freedom, time and resources to travel.
Frank is recently divorced from a long-term marriage. His children are grown, educated, living independently and are financially self-sufficient.
Is it fear of getting hurt or is it just fear?
However, Frank is lonely, depressed and unhappy. He does not date and makes no effort to do so.
When he meets someone, it usually ends in disappointment on his part. Then he retreats into his shell and wonders why he’s not having much luck.
One day, Frank’s sister, Claire, was talking about Frank with a mutual friend and explained that the reason Frank is not dating is because he is “afraid of getting hurt.” She said he is afraid to open up and express his feelings only to have them crushed by another woman.
In my experience, when I coach clients who tell me they are “afraid of getting hurt,” it turns out to be a general excuse and defense strategy. It covers a whole range of fears:
Fear of self-examination and introspection.
Fear of failure again
Fear of change
They fear having to expose some hidden truth about themselves that they protect at all costs.
And everyone’s biggest fear is that they could be the problem, not the other way around.
Here is the training advice I would give Frank:
Realize and accept that the “fear of getting hurt” is an excuse and a defense strategy.
Realize and accept that you may be at fault and that self-introspection, self-improvement and change are a good thing.
Address and work on that deep, dark secret that you are afraid to have exposed.
Once you have completed the above steps, I will remind you that:
Dating is a process. Every experience should be a learning experience.
It’s not about chemistry. It’s about connections.
You should focus on what you really want and let the universe do the rest.
I can only hope that Frank (and you!) will take my advice and find a woman he can share his life with.
