When you’re dating someone and start noticing things going wrong, would you quickly visit wondering “should I split up with him?”
You know that Principle #1 of Dating Like a Grownup is to “Balance Your Head and Heart.” I think it is actually wise to begin with your head when trying to answer this question.
I see so many potential relationships go south for so many trivial reasons. Read on to obtain some guidance that may help you avoid dumping a good man who could end up being your wonderful wife.
You see…after you’ve been together for a little while, blended your lives a bit, and enjoyed some future-talk. John Gray, author of the Mars vs. Venus books, characterizes the 2nd stage of dating by doing this:
“The 2nd stage of dating is growing rapidly whenever we experience doubts about the person we see as a potential partner. When our fears of rejection start to surface, they often manifest themselves in a tendency to focus on the inadequacies of the potential partner, and we then lose our sense of attraction.”
I have a tendency to speak in simpler terms. Here’s my translation:
“When you start realizing you have deep feelings and wants the individual you’re dating, your fear of getting hurt can trigger you want to run. Which means you begin looking for what’s wrong with him. Since no one is perfect, you will always find something. Yippee! There’s an excuse to finish it and avoid getting hurt!”
Regardless of methods you say it, the main factor is that our fears make us do things that are completely unlike realizing our dreams. So when you are looking at love, it’s not just women who do this; males do it too.
I’m referring to this today because my pal Pamela goes through this together with her beau. They’ve been very happily dating for a couple of months; spending full weekends together, going on short trips, and planning future travels.
Pamela and her man have experienced talks that lasted hours, found many important and unique areas of compatibility, and have developed a lovely intimacy. She thought she was love him.
But a few days ago the Pamela and Ricardo story appeared to go a little awry.
The way she tells it, Ricardo seemed bugged just by about everything she did; and she or he was none too pleased with his pettiness and pigheadedness.
He started picking on insignificant things, like the way the newspaper was stacked and who had ownership of the handheld remote control. His picking on these things made her start wondering if maybe he wasn’t the one for her in the end. Should she split up with him?
Pamela started to watch a lot about Ricardo that bugged her. She then followed his lead making reference to those activities she’d hadn’t paid much attention to in the past: the disgusting moldy cheese in his refrigerator and the propensity to inform his stories with too much detail.
The weekend ended with him saying, “Well, I suppose I’ll call you during the week…that's, if you would like me to,” and her leaving without responding.
Yikes. Their weekends usually end having a nice kiss and detailed plans for an additional weekend.
Ouch! Pamela was ready to call everything off.
Why so many good relationships result in a breakup so quickly.
Here’s my take :
Ricardo was realizing these were building what can be a meaningful and committed relationship, which made him feel certain uncomfortable feelings: uncertainty, confusion, and maybe fear.
Pamela, entering the weekend feeling like he or she is The main one, felt hurt and scared when he criticized her and, feeling incredibly susceptible to rejection, started looking for his flaws. Of course, she found some.
She then used what she found to safeguard herself having a counter-strike. She started second-guessing and doubting their potential future and went right to wondering whether it was best to break up with him right then.
Pamela and Ricardo were feeling all sorts of icky-ness at the possibility of letting someone into their heart, and finally discovering it was a wrong decision. Add to that, these two highly educated, highly competent, independent 60-ish-year-olds have some major anxiety about letting someone into their physical space. Each had successfully lived alone for many years.
Put that together and also you get two people frightened of denial, who're now within the phase of focusing on the inadequacies of the potential partner.
Their feelings are confusing. They want love and companionship badly. They also want to be right, to keep their autonomy, and to avoid the pain they’ve experienced in the past.
There are lots of risks and unknowns in almost any human relationship. This ‘living the gray’ can be scary.
For Patricia and Ricardo there is a real possibility that certain or each of them were trying to sabotage the connection to be able to remain “safe.”
A lot of difficult feelings can come as a relationship develops. The difficulties and the discomfort of these feelings can lead us to consider a way out. Finding someone’s flaws is pretty easy…particularly when you’re searching for them; consciously or not.
What to complete When you begin Asking “Should I Split up With Him?”
Here is when I counseled Pamela, and just how you may proceed within this type of situation.
- Be conscious of this potential landmine even early on as you get to understand your guy. When you are noticing he leaves the water on too much time, slurps his coffee too loud or does a myriad of other activities that bug the crap out of you… stop and thoroughly explore your emotions.
- Check yourself: are you currently actively looking for and focusing on things that are wrong? If so, what part might fear be playing? Acknowledge that you are at that point of the relationship and start to consciously refocus on which is right about him and also the worth of your budding relationship.
- Decide whether these flaws are actual deal-breakers. Does his moldy cheese within the fridge really modify the potential quality of the relationship? Otherwise, assign it the appropriate priority and move forward with empathy and kindness – both to yourself as well as your partner. And, if it is something feel can be changed with some grownup communication, reach doing that ASAP.
And hell yes, if you discover a deal-breaker and good communication doesn’t resolve it, then get to ending the relationship inside a kind and honest way.
You can follow my 3 steps Or recognize his flaws and skip the step of conscious, adult review. Then you’re free! But still single, perhaps ruminating over whether you've made the right decision.
Obviously, make an effort to to give the situation a thoughtful review. And in this consciousness, it will not only help you produce good decisions for yourself, it will help you already know whenever your partner is within this area. Then you will be in a position to lovingly and gently help him through his review.
Think about this: understanding how hard you had to work to find a man who might be so special in your lifetime, are you prepared to walk away because you might have to listen to an extra several minutes as he tells a tale or get rid of his cheese yourself?
And are you leaving without giving him the chance to change what he’s doing to bug you?
Don’t give in to the nagging “Should I break up with him” voice. This might very likely become your fear, basically. This isn’t protecting you, girlfriend! It van very well be obliterating real chances for that love you’ve been surfing for. Fight it!
Love is just around the corner should you just let it in.
What do you think? Performs this sound like anything you’ve ever done? What’s your story?