Are your expectations in men according to old stories and past hurts? Good chance they are and it's likely that fear is sabotaging your love life. Give this a read to ascertain if you're fears are becoming when it comes to your grownup love story.
Here is an email exchange I'd with one of my private coaching clients. Let me know below if any one of this sounds familiar. Can you relate?
Hi Bobbi-
Hope your weekend was great! I spent time with Tom on Friday night, Saturday and last night. I loved every minute of it.However, I’m needing some input on the communication piece. There are large gaps of your time that pass which i don’t listen to him. And I’m the one initiating a large part of the communication.
For example, I saw him yesterday. I went home at 11:30. I sent him a “good morning” text at 7:15ish. I had not gotten an answer by 10:50. So I reached out again and told him it that is is a really rough Monday here at school. I told him I was getting concerned at 12:00 after i still hadn't been told by him. He finally responded at 12:20: “Sorry. I’ve experienced meetings.”
When I had been with him last night, I told him that I desired to hear from him more. He was quoted saying that he doesn't communicate as he is on the course and if he’s really focused at work.
I appreciate everything, but he communicated with me much more frequently before we became “committed.” I also asked him if, in the past relationships, the communication piece was a problem. He explained it absolutely was in many of them….
Bottom line: I’m feeling frustrated and in the dark. If communication is that this spotty this in early stages, what's going to it seem like in the future? I wish to maintain rapport where I’m not left wondering if I’m going to get coming back text.
I like it when I’m with him…but I’m getting the feeling this isn’t going to work just like with all the other guys. And I’ve been right all those other times.
So glad you’re forever in my corner. Joyce
Your unrealistic expectations can mess up a normally good relationship.
Hi Joyce.
Here’s some straight talk wireless: your expectations are unrealistic, sister. And it’s ruining an otherwise good relationship.
With many people – men and women – you cannot expect these to be accessible to talk with you any time you want.
I know a lot of women who cringe whenever a guy texts them during a workday. Or as he knows she’s out doing something special with girlfriends or family. Don’t you?
You desire a man with a full, interesting life, right? You want him to be accomplished with what he is doing for a living and like what he is doing, right? Tom is obviously as dedicated to his success in business as he is to enjoying his golf game. I suppose it makes him feel good which it’s a part of who he fundamentally is really as a man. It’s a big part of methods he turns up for you personally.
This might be in regards to you, Joyce. The stories you tell yourself by what you need and what men should do are coming up with fear. And fear is sabotaging your ex life.
I wish to help you appreciate this because it’s getting into the right path. This shouldn't be a deal breaker.
Tom teaches you in many ways that he's enjoying getting to know you. He has committed to exclusivity, agreeing he sees the opportunity of the next along with you. He devotes lots of quality time to being along with you. So when you’re together, you are his focus.
He has additionally said clearly that, so far as communication during certain times of his day, he really wants to focus on things apart from you.
Let me help you look just a little deeper to see if there's room for more understanding of him as well as yourself. Then you can determine if this is a situation you are able to adapt to and still feel happy and secure; as you ought to be.
Let's look deeper to see if fear is sabotaging your love life here:
Exactly what are you THINKING and FEELING?
When he doesn’t return your text in an acceptable time, how does it make you feel? What’s happening in your head?
Are you angry at him? Are you disappointed in him?
Go deeper. Don’t consider him, think about yourself. Put yourself back in that moment when you first realize he hasn’t responded. Then a few minutes later. Along with little later whenever you still haven’t been told by him.
What exactly are you telling yourself? What exactly are you feeling about yourself?
Write it down.
– What are the FACTS?
This is how your new knowledge and empathy for men is available in. Answer this from his perspective. Maybe what he's doing isn't precisely what you want, but if Gurus him why he isn’t responding immediately, what would he say?
And if I told him how upset you are about his delay in responding, would he consider any other things he does for you personally and ways he shows he likes you you and is committed?
Why don't you write on this tonight and send to me. If you need to we can have a 15-minute 911 session later tonight.
Hugs-it's Great.
Bp
Hi Bobbi,
I’ve started writing only one quick question before I continue: Is this the reason why you don’t “believe” in intuition?I would previously took this sense of dread like a sign…my intuition. But now I’m beginning to view it as fear. I had been going to call it quits. But there's a little voice saying that maybe it's fear sabotaging my love life with Tom.
Sometimes with this dating thing I don’t know whether or not to wind my butt or scratch my watch. Whew! So glad I reached out and you helped me stop and think.
Joyce
Yes, kind of right. In my opinion in intuition, like if you have a sense that you simply need to run within the other room, and it turns your baby was at danger. But intuition is rarely effective or real with regards to dating and relationships.
Scratch the surface of your “intuition,” and you'll often find unjustified fear.
Often, when you provide simple facts of “intuition” it's actually unjustified fear and old stories from your past relationships with not so great guys. Or possibly it stems from messages you have experiencing your parent's marriage dynamics.
And that's how fear that may sabotage your love life with a good guy.
As women dating after 40, we have so much piled on crap that goes into the equation when we make decisions about romance and love: fear, prejudice, limiting beliefs, even our Cinderella-type fantasies. Most often the gut feeling we're getting is about those-not because we're intuiting.
We continue to make false choices, while congratulating ourselves for the keen intuition and being right. However, you see, we never fully realize when the choices we made were right at all-because 99% of the time it's the option to leave, or not see someone again.
I wonder just how much we miss in our life because we elect to respond to our intuition and then leave. Or run. Or never get started at all.
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Instead, you should be doing what you’re doing: digging into the real feelings to understand what's happening. You've now learned it's fear that's telling you to run away from this man that you may be love.
Now we are able to see that head-on, parse it, and you may make good decisions based on what's truly going on.
Does his not responding in the time you have deemed appropriate make you feel insecure about the relationship? Is that this some litmus test you created in reaction to some other uncommitted guy who had been an all-around selfish jerk?
You possess some truth that the guy nobody digs you keeps in contact constantly. Where made it happen originate from? What is/was your truth?
Good work figuring out that the expectations of men were based on fear, Joyce. Said that you simply 'had this!' You're getting pretty good at taking care of yourself. Keep going and stop fear from sabotaging your ex life. We’ll work on what to do with your discoveries on your next coaching session.