So you think you’ve found a good partner, a person just to walk this earthly life to sanctity with. Well, there are several things to ask each other before you decide to say, “I actually do!”
Make certain to have a meaningful conversation (or two! or three!) about these topics together with your partner.
1. Have a talk about money
Finances are more stressful on a marriage than we tend to think. Based on some studies, around 48% of couples say they fight about finances and approximately 41% of divorced GenXers said their marriages ended because of finances.
Unfortunately, cash rules everything around us, so couples constantly need to talk about money, spending habits, and salaries. When you’re dating, observe how the other person spends his money.
Does he make lavish purchases or take out multiple lines of credit?
Does she hoard her money, never spending a dime even though she’s enough to pay for what she wants or needs?
Is she very nonchalant about money?
Is he responsible with his money, paying what needs to be paid, living within his means, and sticks to some budget?
These questions can help you understand when the two of you see money exactly the same way.
Read more: 10 Lessons We Learned After 10 Years Together
Remember when you and your partner don’t currently have a nice income habits, you can learn them! There are many savings available to help you learn good financial habits or get your spending under control (like Dave Ramsey).
2. Do you share some common interests?
Does he like quiz nights however, you prefer movie theaters?
Is she thinking about metaphysics while you tend towards psychology?
Do both of you pray the Ignatian Examen before going to sleep?
It’s best to observe each other’s interests and find out how they fit together! When you’re contemplating a shared life with someone, make sure you can share everything.
Just since your interests differ in certain areas, though, doesn’t mean you’d be a bad match. Often we discover new interests through friends, why if it is different inside a dating relationship or marriage?
My husband and that i share an appreciation of flicks, but he tends towards sci-fi movies while I prefer comedies or romcoms. Today, certainly one of my favorite movies is Ender’s Game and one of his can be 10 A few things i Hate About You. The folks around us allow us to to grow our likes, interests, and understandings.
3. Perhaps you have talked about goals?
It’s important first so that you can define and share your individual goals. You may want to earn your PhD and work in a research hospital, for instance. But it’s also important to sit down and listen to your partner’s goals. Then, it’s time to discuss goals that you share for the future.
Talking about our goals, both personal and shared, helps produce a guide map for our lives and our lives together. Asking them questions by what you both want is essential.
These goals aren’t just limited to career or family life, either. Maybe one of you wants to reside in the suburban areas, while the other wants a vegetable garden and goats.
The key here’s finding ways that your purpose are compatible and making “my goals” into “our goals”.
4. Have a discussion about your future family
How do each of you envision your roles in family life?
There a multitude of options here. Some envision very traditional gender roles where the man is the sole breadwinner and the woman exclusively takes care of the house and kids. On the other hand of the spectrum is really a situation where both people work outside the home and other people primarily care for children. Many people fall somewhere among these extremes.
But it’s also important to chat about day-to-day life together. Who’s going to prepare the meals? How will the kids be schooled? What exactly are all of your professional goals and just how does that fit into family life?
If you will create a life together, you need to understand what the each of you wants from life together!
One person shouldn’t be completely giving up all of their goals and desires to satisfy those of another partner. There must be a mutuality here as the family should be a location of nurturing and growth – for all members.
There will definitely be seasons where maybe one (or both!) partner will have to put something to the side or change his expectations for that good of the whole family, but it’s a season.
Family life ought to be constantly evaluating and re-evaluating what’s happening, what each person needs and wants, and what is best overall.
5. Yep, you have to talk about sex
If you’re discerning marriage with someone, you need meaningful conversations about sex. Not in the “these are my desires” or “when would you like to” type of ways (although those might be a small part of the conversation, especially after marriage).
You need to discuss expectations for sex and sexual fulfillment. Yes, sexual fulfillment. We’re Catholics! Sex is holy and good!
How are you going to handle times during the abstaining?
How will you handle physical changes such as pregnancy or chronic illness?
Just because we marry doesn’t mean one individual has possession or dominion over the other’s body. We still retain full autonomy over the body.
We don’t deserve sex whenever we need it simply because we’ve “waited for so long” or because we’ve become one flesh. These are two bodies and 2 souls living as one! If a person person isn’t feeling well or there are other impediments to sex (illness, trying to not conceive, mental health problems) the other partner does not get to ignore that.
Sex is all about giving all what you are to all of who your spouse is and receiving all who you are in exchange, in “the act” and in the whole of the marriage.
Get this straight before getting married which means you don’t hurt each other or fall under unhealthy (and un-Catholic) habits.
6. Take time to talk about your personalities
It’s no doubt that we are each unique. There are also a lot of ways to measure and understand our personalities: Meyers-Briggs, love languages, and temperaments just to name a few!
Read more: The Definitive Guide to Personality Types for Online Dating
What we don’t always realize is when much personality influences our behaviors.
For instance, a morning person making a life with a night owl is going to run into some difficulties!
Same being an extrovert and an introvert, or someone who primarily talks through his problems married to a person who primarily ruminates on her behalf problems after which takes action seemingly without warning.
Optimists and pessimists. Neat freaks and slobs. Organizers and free spirits. The list of personality traits and opposites goes on and on.
The point here, though, is to know yourself and know your partner and accept each of you for what you are. Resolve and compromise, don’t accuse and demand.
7. Are you currently on a single page about relatives?
How each of you handles your own group of origin, the way you cope with the other person’s, and what kind of relationship you want with these extended families is very important.
When it’s asserted you’re not only marrying a person but an entire family, it’s true.
Even if your partner doesn’t correlate with all of or part of her family of origin, you’re marrying into that lack. Likewise, the man leaves his parents and cleaves to his wife, for any reason!
Pay attention to how your partner relates together with his family, help make your own relationships with that family, and set boundaries in your relationship.
Is he an enormous mama’s boy who lets his mom influence every decision he makes?
Is she this type of daddy’s girl that they expects a man to simply give her whatever she asks, regardless of how great?
Do you are feeling happy and refreshed after working time with your family?
Do you feel like you don’t know him very well but you know his mother a great deal?
Figuring this stuff out can help you set boundaries with family in your relationship and help figure out how to produce your own family.
8. Don’t forget to go over apologizing and forgiveness
“I’m sorry,” and “I forgive you;” two phrases we will (or should!) utter a lot more than every other (except, hopefully, “I love you”).
Apologizing is a strength and forgiveness is definitely an action. Sincere apologies are among the most healing things in almost any relationship, but especially in marriage. A sincere apology removes the barrier to healing.
Forgiveness, then, isn’t just reverting back to lovey-dovey feelings and forgetting that anything ever happened.
Instead, it’s an acknowledgment of wrongdoing and a decision this individual is worth rebuilding with, in some way.
However, forgiveness doesn’t destroy our memory, remove all consequences, rebuild trust, or always lead to reconciliation.
If your lover is physically, verbally, mentally, or spiritually abusive toward you, you are able to forgive him but that doesn’t mean there are no consequences to him or that you ought to continue being or live with him.
Forgiveness permits the part of the wrong to right their mistake and amend their life but does not sacrifice the victim to do this.
However, some people apologize and forgive diversely than others which is worth figuring out. Miscommunication happens and it’s worth finding out if miscommunication is the case or maybe there’s a deeper underlying issue. Most things could be worked through.
However, be vigilant about warning flags and narcissistic or abusive behaviors.
Marrying someone is a big deal! It ought to be treated as such.
Dating and discerning marriage could be this type of time of high emotions and it can be hard to determine the trees for that forest.
The more grounded, realistic, and committed to the other person and your possible shared life you’re at the outset, the stronger your relationship and marriage is going to be.
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