From ghosting (suddenly disappearing on someone) to mooning (muting a love interest's texts – older iPhones were built with a moon logo that turned up whenever you muted a conversation) – just whenever you thought you were current on all the latest dating lingo, there is a new one to increase their email list: stashing.
While the term might be new, “stashing” – once the person you're dating doesn't introduce you to their friends, family, siblings or anyone in life – has likely been happening ever since a caveman said to his cavewoman, “Hey, uh, why don't we frequent this super secluded cave because I'm not good with crowds. Besides, I'd rather just love this particular Pterodactyl burger with just you. It's more romantic, you know?”
Stashing is certainly not new and it is likely happened to you, too. Since I'm familiar with the term, I'm able to say with full confidence which i happen to be stashed on many occasions.
Take for instance, a guy I dated a few years ago – we'll call him up “Cross-Fit Guy.” We met on the internet and the chemistry was instant on the first date. We drank wine in a cozy bar, talked about our lives and ended the night time by having an amazing goodnight makeout session. But after the first couple of exciting, steamy dates, the connection appeared to stagnate.
If I appreciate everyday our time together, I believe Cross-Fit Guy's propensity for “stashing” (or as I described it in those days, “compartmentalizing”) me was hugely responsible. Well, that and the fact that he seemed interested in attending 6 a.m. Crossfit bootcamp sessions where 20 sweaty men push giant tractor tires around an abandoned warehouse than in sleeping at my place – but, that's another story.
Cross-Fit Guy wanted to let me into his life, only up to and including point. He was willing to spend time with me once a week as well as invited me to push some tires around with him, however when it came to meeting any one of his family or friends, that seemed inexplicably out of the question. It felt like he was actively attempting to hide me and our relationship. After a couple of months of this pattern, I started to wonder whether the guy was married or hiding something big (in the witness protection program? Secretly coping with his “mother” who is really only a skeleton relaxing in a rocking chair? On the day pass from an insane asylum?) Whatever it had been, Irrrve never got an answer and we ended up breaking things off for some other reasons.
I later remarked that a primary reason I'd never met any of his friends was while he didn't seem to really have any outside of the gym, that is a whole other issue altogether.
While I wish I possibly could say it was the first and last time I was “stashed,” it wasn't. Stashing happens and, in the end can't control those things of those we date, we can be attune to the telltale signs of these kinds of behaviors.
Here are a handful of signs your date is attempting to “stash” you.
- You've never met any one of their friends or family so when you suggest that you want to, they get weird.
For those of you who are acquainted with Sex and also the City, the smoothness of Mr. Big is really a classic Stasher. While meeting someone's family often takes some time to build up to, if a person sees a future along with you, meeting a few their friends really should not be that big an offer. They should want to introduce you to these people. Quite simply, you should not need to sneak into a church service a la Carrie Bradshaw to get a glimpse of your date's mother.
- You obtain the impression they are always taking you to definitely out of the way places where they're unlikely to run into people they know.
Sure, they seem to have friends along with a family, but they seem determined not to schedule any dates where you might run into any of these people, preferring instead to continually Netflix and Chill or take you for “dinner” at this Szechuan Restaurant 30 miles on vacation at two in the morning.
- It's carrying out a number on your self-esteem.
The most toxic thing about “stashing” is that, after a while, you start to wonder if most likely the issue is you. Are you currently not good enough introducing for their family members? But what I've discovered stashing is that it isn't in regards to you. “Stashing” is usually made by people who are frightened of commitment – period. Also, actions speak louder than words. At the end of your day, if someone legitimately wants and is ready to correlate with you, they'll wish to expose you to their most favorite people.
So, how can we combat “stashing”? It starts when you are really clear regarding your needs, both on your own and the people you date. While casual dating can be a lot of fun, if you're looking for something more serious, purchased it and have the courage to state #bye to the Stashers and then any other situations that don't suit your needs.